I write this article in a fit of brazen self-promotion. Promotion, that is, of an idea whose time has come for me! “Send Mothers of Large Families to Rome!” This may seem to some the equivalent of Running Away, but I assure you it is really the Only Way. You know the time has come for Drastic Measures when you realize you suspect your husband and children of going to the bathroom just to escape your to-do lists. Nothing but a Radical Remedy will do for the woman who answers “Mom” when asked for her name; who rocks back and forth and bounces while standing empty-armed in public places; or who would rather not eat than dine while refereeing food fights and discussing whether a wet suit would hold a guy together after a shark attack. One button too many has been pushed by the family who gathers round with glee to watch a harried mother throw 42 stuffed animals, 16 books, 2 pillows and a toy piano out of an overflowing bathtub. A stiff upper lip just isn’t good enough for someone who fears falling on ice because she doesn’t “have time to break an ankle”.

If you recognize this situation – if you are in this situation – read on. We hesitate to mention moments of ‘large-family burnout’ because we are the poster girls for Having Large Families. We know it isn’t the family size that’s the problem, but our perspective that needs tuning. We need to back up a little, preferably all the way across the Atlantic, to see the Family for the Family Members, the Future in the Frustrations. Besides, we know it will be for the Kids’ Welfare that we take this little break. We need Attitude Adjustment that isn’t alcoholic.And how do you spell relief? R – O – M – E!

Now, let’s get down to brass tacks. Say we have the backing of the Catholic Family Support League, or some such progressive-minded institution with money. We’ll need an application/selection process. Let’s keep it simple. Our Mother in Need may be filling it out in crayon, or with one hand tied to a toddler. Here’s my proposal. Of course, I’ve designed it so I’ll qualify, but after I’m tucked into Rome with a plate of pasta I won’t quibble if you all change the rules.

Answer yes to at least three of the following questions. 1) Four or more children living at home? 2) Any children living away from home in Dangerous Places? 3) All children weaned? 4) Husband &/or teens can boil water? 5) Willing to wash dishes or scrub toilets (Italian) if necessary? 6) Age 40+? Write and sign a statement that you could not afford to go without this grant. And what exactly will Qualifying Applicants receive? I hate to sound demanding, but Here’s What We Want: An all-expense paid trip to Rome. That’s all. The Pope needn’t even give us an audience and we’ll be content to confess to non-English-speaking priests if necessary. We can be happy with the humblest accommodations and eat nothing but bread and cheese for the week. We’ll be at Mass every day, relax, soak up the culture, and pray for vocations. Even from our own families. Whatever it takes!

We promise not to laugh too loud or too late if we’re put up in a convent. We will be better wives and mothers when we return, we just know it. Our hiatus will give us Renewed Vigor in our chosen vocations. Our Family Culture will be enriched by discussions of Roman history, slides of ruins, souvenirs from the Vatican, art postcards, and Andrea Boccelli CD’s. We will pepper the family vocabulary with Italian phrases, cook better lasagne, pick better wines on our return. I don’t mean to sound desperate, but please, pretty please, won’t somebody foot the bill for this? There are rumors that the University of Dallas has actually been approached about this. Perhaps if all the readers wrote a letter supporting the proposal and requesting an application, it would help. Donors might send contributions to Canticle to establish an “Arrivederci” fund! By the way, you may have wondered why Rome and not Dubuque, or London. Because Rome is the home of the heart of the Church, and we are the hearts of the Church's homes. Simple. If you don’t get it, don’t apply!